In studying neuroscience, it is impossible to not appreciate how amazing and wonderful the human brain really is. How beautifully complex. As I love photography, when I photograph, the amazing complexity of the brain is always clearly in focus: Regardless of the quality of the camera, no machine can fully or faithfully duplicate what my eyes see. Yet, even in this amazing process, what we “see” can be misleading because our brains are driven toward efficiency and this is true whether we are talking about actual vision or what grabs our attention, thus allowing us to notice something. For example, we quickly categorize almost everything so that the actual processing of information can cease, freeing our brains up to attend to potential dangerous or, what the brain really digs, novel stimuli. Did you ever wonder why you can’t drag your eyes away from a person who has some sort of deformity? It is because we have every part of the human form so specifically categorized as to what is normal, that even small deviations cause our brain to pause and study the novel stimuli and try to make sense of the deviation we are observing.

But with every asset, there is also a potential liability. If we only desire to live our lives in the familiar and accept our categories wholeheartedly and without further examination, then we can fall into the pattern of “black and white living.” Meaning, of course, the world fits our predetermined ideas or we reject them. Or people behave the way we want or we reject them. Or we get our own way or we walk away. While standing your ground, so to speak, is certainly important and necessary at times, we have to be careful that we are not inadvertently whittling our world down to a smaller and smaller space by living only by our expectations and comfortable categories (i.e., our comfort zone). After all, experience is what hard-wires our brains to expect certain patterns from life events, to expect how others will treat us, our to decide how much optimism to allow into our thinking…but what if our experience leads us astray? What if our categories were skewed by too much negativity around us or by tragedy or abuse or sorrow…What if the gray is really okay?

If we live too much in the certainty of our expectations, in the black and white world of “it is either this or that…and nothing in between,” we may indeed feel more safe. But the sad truth is that we will miss so much of those gray inbetweens that carry amazingly rich and complex experiences – which are, by the way, the very seat of learning. It is only by violating our categories and stepping out of the comfort zone that we can re-wire our brain on a much higher level…and bring about change. Change that is good. Change that is lasting. Change that is enlightening.

So, go ahead. I dare you. Step into that amazing gray and find out for yourself what you just might be missing.

I am very interested in how people make significant changes in their lives. There is no doubt that we all WANT to make certain changes, whether losing a few pounds, working out more often, implementing a healthier diet, launching a new business venture or resuming those creative projects we used to love and enjoy…So, while there are few differences between us in our desire to improve the quality of our lives, there does seem to be significant differences in the level of success enjoyed by different people in actually making and sustaining these desired changes. The question is why?

If I have learned anything from personal as well as professional experience as a psychologist, it is that humans have an amazing capacity for self-deception. We can truly spend years in our head – living a virtual life, creating and then destroying dreams, imagining relationships and rejections, attempting all manner of new or desirable acts or goals and then judging ourselves as failures of each one – all without ever having actually acted or spoken a single word because it has all occurred in our heads.

Of course it is important to think and prepare before we act, but we get into trouble because we come to believe that our thinking is the same as doing. For example, let’s say that you are a writer and you wish to publish a short story. You have written and rewritten the story. You’ve allowed others to read and provide constructive feedback and now believe the story is ready for publishing. But in your head, you have submitted this story for publishing so many times and every time you have imagined it as rejected. So, in reality you never actually send the story anywhere, as you already “know” you will fail.

Why would this be? I think it comes back to the power of our imagination. Have you ever feared something, public speaking perhaps, and as you prepared for the presentation you imagined what you feared through repeatedly worrying about the event (i.e., worried about making some type of mistake or becoming so nervous you could barely talk), such that you were not surprised when some version of what you feared actually happened? This is because you rehearsed your fears (i.e., failure) rather than rehearsing your desires (i.e., success).

Research demonstrates what when we use our imagination to vividly picture a scene or situation, particularly as we engage our senses, the body does not know whether we are experiencing it in actuality or only in our imagination! The body will respond very similarly either way. You know this to be true, because we have all had the experience of talking about an upcoming event, one that worries us, and as we are talking about it with a friend or companion, we find that our heart is beating faster, our respiration has increased and we have started to perspire – all while we are safely far away from the imagined event! That is, the imagining of the event can evoke a similar physiological response as actually experiencing the event. We further know that sensory, emotional and cognitive stimulation (in this case, whether to a real or imagined event) is what causes the brain to “hardwire” it or to encode it into our neurons as a registered and remembered experience, thus becoming an influencer of our future experiences.

In this way, what we imagine can become encoded such that it rises to the strength of an actual experience in our neural networks, thus greatly influencing our thoughts, beliefs and emotions about the possibility of success in a future event from one that has never happened at all!!!! This form of self-deception is particularly interesting and potent as it relates to our behavioral patterns and choices because it serves an important function: self-protection. We are attempting to protect ourselves from potentially damaging or hurtful events: rejection by a lover, rejection by a literary agent, embarrassment at giving a poor speech, etc. So we virtually live out these risky situations in our heads to prevent ourselves from real damage.

But wait…the question we have to ask is which one constitutes real damage? Is it better to avoid all potential for social harm, thus relieving anxiety and keeping ourselves “safe” or is it better to take those risky steps toward actually accomplishing our dreams? Good question. If we take the safe route and let our virtual experience keep us locked away from reality, we are guaranteed to fail by default because we never make any actual attempts to accomplish our goals. On the other hand, if we get out of our heads and actually do something that may seem risky in reality, we at least have a chance for success! And then, if we do actually fail…well, we learn to fail better the next time and then fail better yet again, until…at last…we succeed.

And this is the heart of the deception: inaction always means failure, which, ironically we were trying to avoid through inaction….see the catch?

So, if you’ve already failed (by not trying)…then you have nothing to lose, right? So, get out of your head and start participating in real life! The only thing you are risking, really, is SUCCESS!

I am amazed, appalled really, at how much of a “no” world we live in. Have you ever stopped and counted how many times a day someone says “no” to you either directly or implied in some way? How many signs on the road, notices on buildings, instructions about daily tasks, requests we make of others – all result in the exact same answer…NO! It is little wonder, then, that the first word our 24-month-old minds produce when the tiniest smidge of independence first blossoms is NO, NO, NO!!!

Can you imagine how vastly different our lives would be if people cultivated the habit of saying “yes?” Here’s a simple example. Child says to teacher, “Can I go to the bathroom?” Teacher says “No.” Child is frustrated and asks again. Teacher says, with irritation, “No. I’ve already said no.” Child wets herself. Child gets punished or shamed or laughed at. What is learned? That the world is uncaring and unresponsive and she is grossly ineffective? You bet.

What about this instead: Child says to teacher, “Can I go to the bathroom?” Teacher smiles and says, “You know, we are going to line up in two minutes. You can be the first in line. How’s that?” This at least opens up the opportunity for the child to communicate that the need is urgent and the shame of wetting herself could be completely avoided. The world now feels more caring and responsive. The child begins to learn that communication means something and that she has some power to affect her world. One very important thing to notice: the teacher’s response (not going to the bathroom right this second) was the same in both instances! But the first example is a “no,” while the second answer is effectively a “yes.” You see, saying yes does not mean that we all get our way. It just opens to door of opportunity.

Does this seem like an oversimplification? Then consider how many times a day stretched across how many years that this type of interaction occurs in which the “no” message is pounded into us again and again either directly or implied: “No, you can’t do that.” “No, that idea is stupid.” “No, you can’t do it like that – do it like I said.” “No, get back in line like everyone else.” “No, your feelings don’t matter. Just obey me or else.” Now fast forward 30 years and you will find an unimaginative, bored, frustrated worker who hates himself, his job, his world and seeks release in any way he can find it…drugs, alcohol, porn, food, high risk behavior – you name it. Why? Because we all ultimately need a YES to open the door of opportunity!

Check in with yourself. What was the last creative idea you had, something that you were genuinely excited about? What did you do about it? And if you dared to voice it to another living soul, what feedback did you receive? The most common response we all get (even from those who love us, maybe even especially from those who love us) is to tell you in vivid detail why it won’t work. That is…NO. For most people, we’ve already long since lost the drive to so much as speak our ideas out loud to another human being. We’ve already short-circuited the whole process and just say “no” to ourselves! “Nope. That won’t work.” “Don’t bother.” “That’s stupid.” “What were you thinking?” “You’re just dreaming again.” “Give it up already!” And we’ve all become so warped with the “no” disease that one of our most favorite national past times is to go around bursting each other’s bubbles.

This ought not be. But we can only change it one person at a time. I encourage you to cultivate a “yes” world. And there is no better place to start than with you. Find some hidden dream tucked away in a dark corner and drag it back into the light. Say YES! And make some small step toward making that dream a reality. When you hear the dreams of others floating around you, become a dream catcher and go out of your way to encourage them to pursue their dreams rather than run from them. This isn’t about being delusional, but neither is it about being realistic when reality for most of us has been so distorted by the big fat “no’s” we’ve swallowed our whole lives.

Start with something simple. Want to finally take that trip to Paris? Then stop telling yourself why you never will and start calculating how you can. It doesn’t matter if it takes three years of saving. It will never happen if you don’t say YES and pave the way with action. Start saying YES! And generously share your yesses everywhere you go.

“Yes! I think you can do that!” “Yes! That is such a great idea!” “Yes! You should keep trying.” “Yes! I think you’ll get there!” YES! YES! YES!

If you’ve ever spent time watching people, surely you’ve been struck at some point by the frenetic pace of the human race. Yes, race as in species, but also race as in a contest to see who can get there faster – wherever “there” is. It makes me think of the dogs at the track with their blinders on, chasing the rabbit with all of their considerable strength, speed and endurance. But alas, they never catch the elusive prey and the really sad part is that the “rabbit” isn’t even real. It is merely an artifact of the game, a simple trickery. The rabbit is a necessary deceit to entice the dogs to run their lives away for a useless and unachievable prize. Wow. What a powerful metaphor.

The question is, then, are we doing the same? The dogs are born and bred and trained to run. So you might ask whether they would ever consider not running, that there exists another option? We are all born into specific contexts in which we are shaped and molded to think certain thoughts, hold certain beliefs, desire certain outcomes in life. Our native context colors our world, either small and limiting or vast and expansive. It can narrow our mind from wide-eyed innocence to a set of very particular expectations about ourselves and others. There is no doubt that it is a massively powerful context and we all see this operate in the lives of people who, like the dogs at the track, have never considered that their life could be…different or better or more. But we are not mere animals who are limited by context and training. We are humans with amazing resilience, flexibility and plasticity in our ability to adapt to new circumstances, engage life-altering faith in the complete absence of evidence and press toward new heights and new goals with unalterable determination.

If we try.

So, we have to ask the question – what race are we running? How can we be sure that we are on the right track? How many of us find we unwittingly doing only what we were programmed to do, to believe and to say based on the context of our birth, genetics, family or social arena, a context which we did not choose? How many of us wake up each day feeling numb and detached, feeling that our lives have become a mechanical march toward death because our hope, our passion for living has become so hopelessly mired in the holy grail of simply surviving to pay the bills? Or perhaps we keep squandering our hard-earned paycheck on another new gadget, pricy trip or fashion statement in an all-too familiar attempt to pump life back into this flat-lined existence?

Like chasing the fake rabbit, we must not only stop chasing a hand-me-down existence but also the false hope that someone else will swoop in and rescue us or define our lives as meaningful by their accolades. While other people can add tremendous value, offer inspiration or proffer incredible support, reaching our destiny is a solo internal mission because it originates from within. The time has indeed come and the day is now. Let us dare to remove the blinders and consider the possibility of not running an empty race. Let us imagine, just image, forging a brand new path in the wild frontier of near limitless possibilities.

Because we can.

If we try.

No one should ever forget that change is hard. Giving up the familiar in favor of the unknown is probably one of the greatest feats that humans ever perform. So much of our biology, even, is geared toward efficiency, automation and homeostasis. What is familiar to us begins to feel routine, even when it impinges upon safety. I think this in part has to do with the manner in which the human mind processes information. What we avoid, the brain tags as dangerous. What we repeatedly embrace, however, gets a head nod of approval and becomes part of a well-developed neurological loop that guides our behavior in an efficient, predictable pattern – what we often refer to as a habit. As far as the brain is concerned, though, a habit is a habit, regardless of how we may judge it on a higher level as a good habit or a bad habit. The supporting architecture is the same for either one.

For change to occur, then, a mental leap is required across what feels like a black void, as everything in our pattern-loving psyche and the biological routinization of habit screams full on in outrage. Processing slows, attention is riveted to this novel circumstance and cognitive efficiency plummets. Yep, just when you finally had your juggling act well in hand, all other balls now fly off into temporary oblivion like a gaggle of unruly geese.

But we’re not done yet. The mischievous mind still has games to play. Did I forget to tell you that another major mental tic is our incessant thirst for meaning making? Yes, yes, yes. Whatever is happening, whether discernible or enigmatic, our mind must chisel meaning from the bedrock of chaos. So what does this mean for the process of change? Well, in one four letter word…fear. As we leap into the black void of new thought or behavior, as we violate our prized habitual patterns, as the brain locks onto the novel stimulus where everything feels out of control…the most common meaning assigned to this perfect storm of events is danger, aka, fear. Again, the homeostatic drive is in play, because fear arises to drive us back into the arms of the familiar and, you guessed it, what is perceived as safe.

So, if you want to make change…you’d better bring a few bullets along for the ride. You’ll likely need to bite one or two to endure the fearful raging of a mind that is being driven to the brink…of growth. Truth is, it is only when we press beyond our habitual sameness and explode through the boundaries of fear that we find the new frontier waiting. And finally, finally, we can take possession of the Promise Land.

Change is hard. And it will cost you something. But the prize we capture in the bargain is priceless.

We are all so busy, busy, busy. Our plates are so full that we leave our leftovers trailing behind us everywhere we go. And so many of us wear this busyness as a badge of honor, cheerfully commiserating with one another, as if we were all competing for the “Most Overwhelmed of the Year” award. I suppose it comes down to the mistaken idea that “the busiest one” is automatically equivalent to “the most productive one” or “the most important one.” Sorry. No cigar.

What we don’t want to realize is that an overly busy lifestyle is really a sign of laziness. And before you get all huffy, I don’t mean lazy as in sitting around doing nothing. Actually, sometimes a little bit of “doing nothing” would indeed be more productive. What I mean about laziness is that it takes thoughtfulness, careful consideration and good decision-making skills to cull through all the possible activities and decide which ones would be of higher value. It takes an investment of time and wisdom to learn how to say no to trivial tasks and to develop expertise in a given area rather than trying to look competent in every area (i.e., Jack of all trades, Master of none). And it takes self-discipline to be still and finally face whatever turmoil is going on inside of us rather than using excessive activities to avoid our inner demons. A disciplined life is a carefully executed life, not one of mindlessly attempting to dribble every ball thrown our way and then falling prey to self-hatred because we get penalized for walking. There’s a time to run the court…and a time to pass the ball to the better positioned player. It takes skill to recognize the difference, a skill that is never learned while in perpetual motion.

Did you know that spending as little as five minutes being grateful or focusing on someone that you love can boost your immune system for the rest of the day? Conversely, spending five minutes in an angry state can lower the immune response for the rest of the day? Our thoughts and emotions are very powerful agents in our body. We need to learn to use them wisely!

It is so interesting to me how our mind is such a major battlefield. And I’m sure you all know what I mean: the chatter that goes on in our heads all the time. It wouldn’t be so bad if the chatter pronounced good upon us…but no, the chatter is primarily negative for most people. Like, “that was stupid – why did you do that?” or “you’ll never be able to do that – you’d better quit before you embarrass yourself” or “what will everyone think if you do that?” Sound familiar? For better or worse, what we tell ourselves in our head is a huge predictor of what we actually become. So, if we say, “I will never be able to do that,” then that is true. We won’t. But if we say, “I can totally do it,” then that is true. We can.

So then we take this great leap of faith right off the cliff…choosing to believe in ourselves or that thing that perhaps we thought God was telling us to do…and what happens? Chatter. The predictable doubt that descends on the morning after. That ferocious fear that desires to mercilessly steal, kill or destroy the hope that was born in the midst of that faithful leap. Word for today: DON’T LISTEN. Trust that what has been spoken into you on that deepest level, that message that says “trust that you can” or “trust that I am with you” or “trust in Me” is the accurate message. Here’s the test: How has the chatter worked for you in the past? Are you more successful, happy, more productive by listening to those negative thoughts? I didn’t think so. Then here’s a happy toast to giant leaps and deliberately turning the dial to another station besides the meaningless static of a fearful mind…and to turning predictable doubts…into predictable victories.

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” This is by American Historian and musician, Bernice Johnson Reagon (1942).